Everywhere I go someone's tryin' to be my girlfriend's best friend
I'm tryin' to pretend I'm relaxed but I'm playin' castanets with my knees
I try to be cool and give her space
But a guy's always there ready to jump right up and take my place
Everyone in this room seems to want to make a big fool out of me

Everybody open your mouth
Everybody just say "Ahhhhh"
Everything will be all right
If you play along

Everywhere I go there's someone in a trench coat staring at me
When I'm not at home I'm sure someone's rummaging through my trash
Whatever could they want from me?
Is it just a part of a giant government conspiracy?
I gotta go see my doctor about this itchy pentagram-shaped rash

Everybody open your mouth
Everybody just say "Ahhhhh"
Everything will be all right
This won't hurt at all

Turn it up

Everybody get in line
Everybody turn and cough
Everything will be all right
If you just lay off

Dictate a memo to myself
Try to find if I'm the only one in complete health
Consult contemporaries if there's some to see
There really isn't anyone who's in my league
The league

Every night at the lanes someone thinks they've got a fine bead on me
I try to take three deep breaths as I lock and arm my mini-van
Everyone says I'm looking great
But it's hard to stand-up let alone to try to concentrate
I wish that everyone that I knew hadn't sold out to the man

Everybody open your mouth
Everybody just say "Ahhhhh"
Everything will be all right
This won't hurt at all

Everybody get in line
Everybody turn and cough
Everything will be all right
If you just lay...
Everything will be all right
If you just lay...
Everything will be all right
If you just lay off